a seemingly random journey through cinema's heart of darkness. so to speak.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

"Do you want handsome blow joob?" [sic]

Hi, buds. Once again, I feel guilty about just dumping a bunch of shameless plugs your way, particularly since this blog is one ball of tumblin' tumbleweed away from being a total wasteland. So, we're going to try something different.

I'm not sure exactly what I did (or more accurately, where I went) to bring this on, but over the last couple months I've gotten an unusually large amount of spam. This time, however, it's not the usual army of penis (or "pennis") enlargement messages. It started out innocently, with some absurdly misspelled, confusing subject headers; "fair Sluts in hardcore actiion!" and the like. Nothing surprising, he depressingly muses.

Thing is, they kept on coming. And coming. And coming. (Prurient subtext semi-intentional.) I would wipe out my bulk mailbox, turn my back, and then three more would sprout up where the others left off, like some horny hydra. (Or something.) After awhile, I got curious. And so, starting on the morning of 6/14, I stopped deleting or checking my spam, not even to look at what had amassed, and didn't stop, um, not doing anything till today, 6/28. My count? 369.

But a mere whopping number does not do these justice. Not to put too fine a point on it, but these subject headers cannot have been even made up. Their attacks on spelling, grammar and logic are simply breathtaking. There is an inexplicable fascination with -- or, rather, belief that potential clients will be fascinated by -- the word "aesthetic." And their other adjective choices, be they disarmingly clever or awesomely misapplied, are equally out of this world. This is not the work of humans. I can only imagine that these are the work of a non-English speaking robot that's been programmed with a set of interesting -- and sometimes obscure -- words, presumably by a wordsmith with a dead-end job and a rascally sense of humor. I want to know more.

I have compiled a host of these title attractions, going so far as to preserve the "sender"'s sometimes normal, sometimes totally not names. Needless to say, this is all [sic]:

  • Marguerite: Just aesthetical Slut suckking Dickk!

  • Jarrett: Ruussian scenic Eighteens here doing delightful blowjoob.

  • Barney: picturesque Teens at Pornn!

  • Douglas (presumably Wallen): She wants a better sex? All you need's here

  • Shawna Mckinnon: esthetic Young Lady so goluptious and young

  • Marquis (!!): Just fine-looking Bitch succking Diick!

  • Rae Hackett: Best cumshotts on best goluptious Girls.

  • Andrea: Do you want scenic Slut?
    (followed minutes later by)
  • Pansy: Do you want scenic Lady?

  • Kendall: bonny Young Eighteens so grace and young.

  • Lizzie Ham: pleasant Bitch doing attractive blowjjob!

  • Lucinda Tompkins: bonny Young Eighteen so better-looking and youngg.

  • Clark Pryor: Do you want killing virgin Sluts? (I really have no idea what to make of this. It might be Hostel.)

  • Dustin: lovely Gay inccest Content!

  • Katherine: Son fucking magnificent Mom!

  • Alicia Graham: Do you want jolly viirgin Sluts?

  • Roslyn: B A A H Pornstar Cherokee Swallowing A Big Cock

  • Agnes: Young pulchritudinous virginns at harrdcore Poorno.

    The last one is by far my favorite, and not because of the multiple mispellings. Imagine a street hawker howling, "Pulchritudinous virgins, right here!"

    And with that, I can finally wipe out my bulk cache. It will fill up like clockwork.

    Now for the shameless self-promotion! Fuck Superman. The Devil Wears Prada is where it's at. No, I jest, and I should know: I review the fool thing here, along with words on Olivier Assayas' criminally underrated Clean and Andy Garcia's hilariously overwrought The Lost City. Also, as ever, Rep.


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